Help, I Can’t Connect with My Emotions
- April Griffin
- 6 days ago
- 7 min read
A In-Depth Guide for Vancouver and BC Residents to connecting with their Emotion and their true and authentic Self.
Written by April Griffin, MSW, RSW, RCC at Emotion Wise Counselling — offering in-person therapy in Vancouver, BC, and virtual counselling across British Columbia.
You have likely come to this article because you find yourself unable to truly feel the feelings you know are underneath, and have a hard time expressing how you feel with others.
There are many different scenarios and reasons why people find it difficult to connect with their emotions, with many different causes and solutions. If you’re based in Vancouver, BC, or anywhere in British Columbia, you’re not alone — this is one of the most common concerns our therapists hear from clients across the Lower Mainland.
Here are a few examples that I have seen in my clinical experience over many years:
-You have intense anxiety and find yourself constantly checking your phone, but have trouble really being present with those you love most, with loved ones complaining that you are distant or pre-occupied.
-You are busy helping others in the family, but notice you have not slowed down from helping others and are finding yourself exhausted and short with others. When something upsetting happens you quickly switch into helping mode instead of feeling your feelings.
-Your partner and family get frustrated with your practical nature, and say you are trying to fix their problems instead of connecting with them, sharing your feelings and showing empathy.
-You are exhausted at the end of the day after working hard and find yourself with little capacity but to zone out and disconnect and watch TV- you can find yourself like this for hours each day.
If any of these resonate with you, keep reading for further tips and understanding.
Why can’t I connect with my emotions?
There are many different reasons why you may not be able to connect with your emotions.
Based on the examples above here are a few:
1) Attention issues and distractions- you are always distracting yourself with devices and screens. You have become entrenched in your habits and find it difficult to unplug.
2) Alternating between emotional overwhelm and shutting down — you feel deeply and you are terrified of feeling your feelings. It feels safer to shut the feelings down and bottle them up than to express them.
3) You are not in tune with your needs and wants and are overly focused on other people’s needs and wants. It can feel dangerous or even unnecessary to attend to your own feelings when you are busy helping people with theirs.
4) You have reached your capacity in your energy and have not allowed yourself to draw limits on your time and energy and life is wearing you down. There is a saying you can’t drink from an empty well. In this case, you are trying to extend yourself beyond your current limits- like running a marathon without refueling, or without the proper training.
Which one or one(s) resonates with you?
Perhaps more than one of these has applied to you, or currently does. Don’t worry — these are extremely common, and there are ways to start feeling more and to be in touch with your inner self in a way that is safe and not overwhelming.
The difference between under regulation of emotions and over regulation
Most people are very familiar with UNDER regulation. Under regulation means difficulty regulating or controlling your emotions. With under regulation, you frequently experience intense emotions such as anger, outbursts, frustration, or deep bouts of sadness. You may not have the skills to regulate, have difficulty applying those skills in real life, or have an underlying biological vulnerability that makes intense emotions more challenging to manage, such as ADHD or BPD.
OVER regulation is the act of avoiding or controlling your emotions to the degree that they are not expressed adequately.
Examples of over-regulation include:
lacking emotional vulnerability with friends and family
bottling up feelings
appearing cold, distant, or withdrawn
perfectionism and high achievement
only showing certain emotions (for example happy and friendly)
having trouble connecting with your own inner life and emotions.
Some people with over control of emotions may feel intensely but may only be able to express in private or to a few trusted people. For some people this can mean containment 95% of the time with hitting a breaking point and then finding themselves letting it out in a way that feels like too much, and losing control and exploding. However the difference is that this happens rarely and more often in private and with loved ones.
The connection between needing to have control and difficulty feeling emotions
Many people who have difficulty expressing their feelings experience a general need in life to control their environment. Controlling is not always a bad thing — it can be an asset. You may have a level of organization, attention to detail, and order that really benefits your life and those around you.
Many people who have difficulty feeling emotions may have been emotional caretakers of others
In my work with clients, many people have developed this pattern when they have had experiences of not being in control of their environment — where their caregivers were unpredictable, or they were forced to take on a caregiving role from an early age for their parents or siblings.
Being a caregiver is also a characteristic that would have been praised in childhood, and this quality of attending to others’ needs instead of your own would increase as it is reinforced and highly valued.
This can also occur when an inordinate amount of pressure and high expectations are placed on a child from a young age. Lastly, this can also occur due to a combination of these including biological vulnerability and temperament, which varies from person to person.
Feeling emotions can be difficult for those who have a tendency to want a high level of control and predictability in their lives as emotions are, frankly, out of control. We cannot wish or will ourselves to feel or not feel a certain way. In that way emotions can feel dangerous and then suppressing or controlling them can feel more safe.
Why is it important to feel your emotions
Emotions are created to help us meet our needs, set boundaries, and reach goals in life. They are like the indicator lights in a car. If we didn’t know when we were running out of gas, we might end up stranded on the side of the road without fuel.
Emotions, like pain receptors in our physical body, help protect us from harm. If we ignore them we might find ourselves harmed by others or end up neglecting ourselves and our own needs.
Emotions allow us to connect more deeply with others, to be known and cared for and have reciprocal relationships which is a big part of what makes life meaningful and worth living.
Feeling your emotions allows you to know what you really want and desire in life. Being in tune to feelings whether they be: sadness, joy, embarrassment, guilt or anger help us shape our lives, protect ourselves, right wrongs, apologize, set necessary boundaries and avoid burnout.
How to connect with Your Emotions.
Pause- slow down, take a deep breath and sit and make time to feel your body sensation
Do activities that allow you to freely express your emotions. This could be journaling, drawing, dancing, or even listening to music.
Learn mindfulness of your thoughts and emotions. So often people who have difficulty with emotions find it difficult to be present with their emotions without getting drawn into the spirals of thoughts in their minds. Take time to learn to just observe your thoughts and body sensations without judging or interpreting them. Start small with just a few minutes and build on that.
Check in with yourself throughout the day and learn to name your feelings. Ask yourself: what am I feeling? Use a feelings wheel or a list of feelings, run through them, and see what resonates with you in that moment.
Identify activities that increase your avoidance of your feelings whether it be scrolling on your phone, going on youtube or taking care of others’ wants and needs. Try to reduce or avoid avoidance activities and make space for your feelings.
Connect with a trusted therapist for help. It can be really hard for people who have difficulty feeling their emotions to seek help, as avoidance has become a habit and vulnerability is difficult. Find a therapist you can trust and slowly increase what you share with them.
Accepting yourself and who you are by avoiding judgement and interpretations
In undertaking any of these new exercises, one caveat is to approach it with an open mind and heart. The key way to do this is to start to notice and label the stories, judgements, and interpretations we put on ourselves, and to instead approach ourselves and our feelings with an attitude of non-judgement — the way we would treat a young child trying something new for the first time. This is a key component of mindfulness as taught in DBT. Reach out to us if you would like to learn more.
Getting to know your true and authentic self
Feeling and connecting with your emotions can enable you to connect with your true and authentic self more deeply. In doing so, you may find yourself connecting with younger parts of yourself and older memories and feelings. Often, difficulty connecting with feelings can be a shield that protects you from deeper-rooted pain and wounding that occurred long ago and was buried underneath. Unearthing emotional expressions can reveal not only the pain, but also the parts of yourself that you deeply miss — qualities you embodied as a child or in your youth.
Perhaps in listening to your feelings of jealousy, you notice you envy those who are artists or creative people. If you listen to this, you may open the door to honouring your own need and desire for creative expression — a gift that will open up different sides of yourself that you had forgotten existed.
I highly recommend a journaling practice, such as The Artist’s Way, to start to explore your authentic self. However, the journey to knowing yourself and giving space for your feelings can take any shape or form. Maybe it will mean connecting with old friends, starting to listen to new music, or setting boundaries with your family. The path of growth towards your true and authentic self is limitless if you make space and listen to your feelings.
Ready to Start Reconnecting with Your Feelings? We’re Here to Help.
Emotion Wise Counselling is a Vancouver-based therapy practice specializing in emotional wellness, DBT, and helping people reconnect with their feelings. Whether you are struggling with emotional numbness, over-regulation, or simply feeling disconnected from yourself, our experienced therapists are here to support you — without judgement.
We offer in-person therapy in Vancouver, BC, and secure virtual counselling for clients throughout British Columbia, including the Lower Mainland, Fraser Valley, and beyond. Taking the first step is often the hardest part — we make it easy.
Email: info@emotionwise.ca
Book online: emotionwise.janeapp.com — New clients welcome.
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