My emotions feel so intense...can I learn to control my emotions?

Emotions can feel impossible to control

Perhaps you have found yourself lashing out at a partner for things that seem insignificant, hurting yourself, or breaking down in tears in an important meeting or conversation.

Maybe your partner has told you over and over again—you need to learn to control your emotions.

This is a daily painful reality for the people we meet with every day at Emotion Wise Counselling. You feel out of control despite trying hard to control your intense feelings but find yourself over and over in patterns of intense feelings that end up hurting yourself and sometimes sabotaging your relationships.

As you have learned from your own struggle, changing emotions is not simple and easy, and if it was easy and simple you would have done it already without coming to read this article or looking for a therapist.

At Emotion Wise Counselling we specialize in helping people learn to understand and cope with painful emotions through developing awareness and effective skills and strategies drawn from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.

In my own life I have over the years benefited from adopting a more mindful stance from DBT and have gone from a person with very intense emotions to someone who can now pause and reflect before reacting. For anyone who has experienced that shift—it is nothing short of miraculous.

For me the changes were gradual over time, but for others who do more intensive therapy the shift can be more noticeable over a number of months. However, it is important to note that it takes deliberate practice and effort to shift out of old patterns.

Here are a few important points to understand to help you better understand your emotions that come from DBT therapy.

1. Emotions are Universal - Everyone Experiences Emotions

Everyone in the whole entire world has emotions—some people feel them less strongly and others more intensely. It can be equally problematic to feel fewer emotions than strong emotions.

Emotions help us to connect and communicate with others and with ourselves about our needs and desires. They give us valuable information to guide our direction in life moment by moment. If we didn't have emotions, it would be like not experiencing pain—people without the ability to feel pain will get hurt and injured severely. Emotions can protect us from hurt and help us grow if we can tune into their message for us.

2. Emotions Cannot be Controlled Directly

   
   

We cannot turn emotions off and on at will. We cannot just suddenly decide to stop feeling an emotion. For example, if a friend dies, you cannot just decide that you are no longer sad about it. You can however take actions to ease your emotional pain, like seeking support from others.

We do not have direct control over our emotions, only indirect influences through changing factors that contribute to emotions such as the environment, thinking, triggers, and actions including body movement and breath.

3. Some people Feel Emotions more Intensely than others

   
   

Some people are more vulnerable to intense emotions because of biology, traumatic experiences, and patterns of behaviour that increase or sustain emotional reactions.

In DBT we call this the biosocial theory.

Some people are born with more sensitive nervous systems. For example, people with ADHD and Autism may be sensitive to the environment in ways they cannot control and have strong reactions to sounds, noises, or demands on them from others.

For example, you may have come from a home where arguing and shouting was the only way to get your needs met or be heard, and as a result you have carried on that pattern in your adult life.

Those who have experienced trauma in life may have more sensitive nervous systems and reactions to triggers that implicitly remind their bodies of the trauma they experienced. For example, if you were criticized or bullied growing up, you may be intensely sensitive to those triggers and find yourself reacting strongly to them.

In addition, as an adult you may be in a relationship where the patterns are entrenched in a dance that entails reaction of one partner and retreat of the other. You may find yourself in a habitual pattern until it is actively changed and you find new ways to relate to one another.

3. Emotions are like waves, they can rise and fall

   
   

Naturally emotions ebb and flow. For example, when you first hear about a tragedy that has happened, for example 9/11, you may have been struck by shock and grief. However, that emotion likely has gone down now over time since the first time you heard about the tragedy.

However, emotions can be fuelled in intensity, like adding logs to a fire, and can be prolonged when we:

• Add additional layers of judgement and information—we get a test back and did poorly and feel sad, then later feel embarrassed when we compare ourselves to a classmate friend who did very well

• When we have feelings about feelings—we feel angry at a friend for not saying hello to us when they passed by us, then later berate ourselves and feel shame for getting upset over something so small.

  
  

How can I regulate my emotions?

In our practice we teach people through our Trauma-Informed DBT Group a number of key ways to shift emotional intensity and responses.

1. Use Distraction and Self-Soothing: If you are 10/10 in your emotional intensity, use DBT distress tolerance skills as short-term measures until you are feeling more regulated, such as distraction, STOP skills, and self-soothing with your 5 senses to decrease intensity. When you are more regulated, go to step 2.

   
   

2. Name it to tame it: The number one step to changing your emotions is to put a label on the feeling. We are not born with emotional literacy—it is a learned skill that many people do not have. The act of naming emotion in itself can help bring down the intensity of an emotion. Common emotions include: anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, happiness, guilt, shame, and jealousy. Once you understand an emotion, you can better understand what it is trying to tell you.

   
   

3. Check the Facts: Check the facts to see if the emotion fits the facts of the situation and what is the threat it is trying to communicate. Our emotions are like alarm bells—they send an alarm but there is not always a fire. For example, you feel anxious crossing a suspension bridge.

   
   

   However, if you check the facts you can see that thousands of people have previously crossed the bridge safely and that the fear is understandable, makes sense, but not justified by the facts. If however you were crossing an ill-maintained bridge over a rapid river, that fear would be justified.

   
   

4. Opposite Action: If an emotion does not fit the facts or its intensity is higher than needed for the situation, we can do the opposite of the action urge for the emotion. For example, for anger instead of lashing out, we can be gentle/a little nice, or avoid.

   
   

   For example, if someone cuts in front of me in traffic and I find myself swearing, I can avoid interaction with the car, avoid engaging in thinking about the driver, or think of reasonable reasons why someone might be rushing to have understanding for the other person.

   
   

5. Problem Solving: Sometimes the cause of our emotions is a problem in our life or environment. We can engage in problem solving to understand and find alternative solutions for the problem that is contributing to our intense emotions.

   
   

   This may be a job that is draining and unfulfilling, a relationship that is conflictual. For the relationship, we may enter into couples counselling or decide to end it, and that can ease our emotional distress.

   
   

6. Process Unresolved triggers and trauma: Where patterns continue despite these actions, it can be that underlying unresolved trauma is fuelling emotional intensity. Trauma may be experiences of bullying, childhood neglect, sexual or emotional abuse, or a motor vehicle accident.

   
   

   Working with a qualified and trained EMDR trauma therapist is a good step to reducing emotional intensity that continues to be fueled in your daily life.

   
   

Ready to Take the Next Step?

We've given you a very short step-by-step process to understand and regulate your emotions.

You don't have to navigate intense emotions alone. At Emotion Wise Counselling in Vancouver, BC, our trained therapists specialize in emotion regulation and trauma-informed DBT therapy and EMDR Therapy to help you develop the skills and strategies you need to manage overwhelming feelings.

Contact us today to:

• Email us to : Schedule a free consultation to discuss your needs

• Learn more about our Trauma-Informed DBT Groups

• Connect with a therapist in Vancouver who specializes in emotion regulation and trauma therapy

Take the first step toward feeling more in control of your emotions. Reach out to Emotion Wise Counselling and begin your journey toward emotional balance and healthier relationships.

FIll out our Contact form to get started: www.emotionwise.ca/contact

Book Your Appointment: emotionwise.janeapp.com

Learn More: www.emotionwise.ca

Serving the Vancouver, BC community with compassionate, evidence-based mental health therapy.