You have likely arrived here because you have a child, partner, spouse, roommate or friend who is suffering from emotion regulation issues. Emotion Regulation issues affect many people with the following diagnoses including but not limited to: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Complex PTSD (CPTSD), Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Autism, and Depression.
Your loved one may or may not have one of these diagnoses but are struggling intensely with their mental health.
First of all, I am so grateful you are here. It shows you care and have put a lot of time, love and energy into caring for your loved one with emotion regulation issues. It can feel like a thankless role when you find yourself as one of the few supports your loved one has as they face crisis after crisis . At other times you find yourself on the receiving end of meltdowns, blow-ups, and anger and struggle with how to respond.
As a parent or friend we can feel powerless as we witness our child, friend or family member continue to suffer. You may have reached out for support from the healthcare system and have found closed doors and lack of resources and are beginning to feel burned out and exhausted.
When we are close to someone it is difficult to be calm and non-reactive to their emotions, especially when we care deeply about them and want their lives to get better. Sometimes we react when we realize we should have been patient. We have difficulty setting boundaries or we react extremely with threats we are not prepared to follow through with.
5 Important Tips to Help you
Patience: Take it One step at a time and Set achievable goals
-There is rarely a quick fix for those who struggle with emotion regulation- although improvements happen, so do relapses. People with complex PTSD and BPD have many talents and strengths and in our optimism we may shoot for the stars in terms of goals instead of starting with small steps and achievable goals.
A loved one may have dropped out of school or moved back home after struggling with their mental health. Although the dream may be to go back to school full-time and be living independently if we push them to do so too early may result in further relapse and overwhelm. Work together with your loved one to make achievable goals, such as taking one course at a time.
Therapies such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) are often 6 month (or longer) programs that involve a high level of commitment, homework and attendance. Your loved one may not be willing to do a program with this intensity, but they may be open later on.
Right now they may be open to attending 1-1 therapy and that could still be helpful. If they are not open to therapy, perhaps there are goals they are open to- work on discovering what they are interested in and make realistic goals together.
Learn Validation and Empathy Skills
As the main support for our loved one with emotion regulation issues or BPD it is important to work on our own skills in communication. It is easy to validate someone when they are warm and happy - it is much harder to do so when they are angry, sad or dysregulated or when you are being blamed or accused of something you do not agree with. Often we feel like defending ourselves, or correcting them instead of being present with them in their emotional pain.
Validation involves (with body and words) showing that you understand their point of view, feelings and the situation they are facing. We can reflect back what they are saying, what they understand to be the cause of their problems, without judgement and while fully paying attention to them.
In DBT we ask people to validate the valid, not the invalid. We do not have to agree with everything they are saying but we can show we understand and are present with them.
For example: if your loved says- you never listen to me, you care about my sister more than me. You may be tempted to say “No I don't, I love you just the same, that’s not true”. Validation would look like: “It sounds like you feel I don’t love you as much as I do your sister and this is making you feel angry- am I getting that right? If there is any grain of truth be prepared to admit this. For example “It can be hard to be the big sister of little ones and it’s true I do spend a lot of time with the little ones and not enough time together.”
Set Boundaries that are fair and consistent
We want our loved one to know it is ok to have challenging emotions, we want to validate their feelings while also setting boundaries when their behaviours or actions hurt us or others. For example, if your adult child is yelling angrily at you, you can ask them to stop and if they do not stop you can let them know you will be leaving the room. Be consistent and follow through on this- you may have to do this a dozen times or more for it to feel comfortable for yourself and them.
An extreme response would be to say if they ever yell at you again you will never talk to them again- this is likely unrealistic and may trigger intense abandonment issues. It is important to set boundaries while also sharing that you are still committed to supporting them in a way that you are willing and able to do (if you are able to do so) so as not to trigger intense abandonment. If you are not able to support them or need to take a break from the relationship, it is important to let them know and consider asking them to connect with other supports they have, or to set up supports if they do not have any.
Sometimes you may struggle to set a boundary- whether that be taking time for yourself, going on a vacation, and not accepting verbal abuse because you fear their mental health may deteriorate, or they have said it will. That being said- If you are worried about threats to their life please talk to a professional or counsellor for help and guidance.
Take care of your own mental health, experience joy amidst the struggles and pain!
It is incredibly important for you to take care of your own mental health and experience joy in your life. When a loved one is mentally struggling with emotion regulation issues such as BPD we can find our lives consumed with getting them help or attending to their needs and then neglect our own needs and start to feel burned out or mentally drained.
Every day practice experiencing pleasant and joyful events or activities! This could be taking a walk, listening to music, exercising, visiting with friends, doing creative activities, or more! Schedule these in to your day and week!
Seek your own mental health support by seeing a counsellor- this can help to find perspective and learn important communication and coping skills. DBT can be helpful for caregivers to understand their loved one and how they can develop a flexible and mindful way to living life while loving someone with emotion regulation issues, such as BPD.
In DBT we embrace the BOTH AND of life- we believe that we can experience BOTH pain and JOY and our hope is that you will be encouraged to lean into this philosophy as well!
Connect today at Emotion Wise Counselling in Vancouver, BC or online for DBT Emotion regulation strategies to help you support your loved one!
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